


Regret

by ShenLong



Series: War Torn Arc [9]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Lime hints, M/M, POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 14:00:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4963351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShenLong/pseuds/ShenLong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Quatre does some serious thinking and finally understands what he really wants. He heads back to L3 in hope that Trowa will still be willing to give him a second chance.</p>
<p>Fic 9 in the War Torn Arc</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the G Boys. They belong to Bandai, Sotsu and respective companies. I just borrow them from time to time to play with and return them a lot happier, ne? :) Also I do not own the song "A Simple Life" it belongs to John Farnham and as such all rights are his.

" Regret"

Aug 2003 ShenLong 

Part 9 in the War Torn Arc.

~ Quatre POV ~

I stare, unseeing out of the shuttle window as I speed through the darkness of space, back to L4. My mind is turning over, most of the past few days events blurring into a mass of meetings and speeches, none of which I could clearly recall.

None except for one.

"Trowa."

I whisper your name as my fingertips caress the re-enforced shield that protects me from the black void beyond. But what is there to protect me from myself?

_Show me the magic_   
_I must've lost it somewhere_   
_In my dreams, so far away_

I sigh as I lean back in my seat and close my weary eyes, the throbbing in my temple refuses to go away as I drift off into a restless slumber. Scenes play behind closed eyelids, laughter, sunny smiles and freedom. Days gone by where we shared so much come back to haunt me, remind me of what I no longer have.

I whimper.

The dreams change again and I can see you walking away, sad look upon your sweet face as I refuse again to join you in some activity, preferring instead to remain at my desk. Like the aged classic 'A Christmas Carol' so I see my own life mirrored in my dream.

*

_I turned around, everything's changing but me_   
_Where is the soul in my song?_

Disgusted, I throw the violin to the bed, tears welling in my eyes as I fight the frustration. The music that once flowed from my fingers like a stream has become a trickle, dammed by the emptiness inside. Without you here my song has no meaning, no heart. I sink to my knees, unheeding of the rough carpet against my bare skin and sob my pain to the furniture. I stare at the ceiling as the wetness graces my cheeks, the ache in my heart unbearable. As my tears slow so I am able to think once more, and what I find in my head does not please me. I cast my memory back to happier days and begin to see clearly what I had....

... and what I lost.

I thought I was moving with the times, growing and developing along with everyone and everything else, but now, upon reflection I can see I was wrong. The relationship we shared was new and tentative, each day dawned just for us to explore and share; and as each stage evolved, so the need to move to the next level was heightened. You took those steps, you moved with the changes.

But I didn't.

_Once there was heaven in my eyes_   
_Whatever happened to those skies?_

Sadly I recount the way my life has developed. Our relationship was blooming, so why did I not grow with it? I search my mind for the answers and find only one.

Selfishness.

I didn't need to grow, I was there already. Or so I'd thought.

I allowed myself to become immersed in the business, thinking I could make a difference, develop the company, play the part of the astute business man, but while in one way I succeeded, I also lost. Before I knew it the company had taken over, it ruled my every waking moment, dictated my day to day existence, took away the heaven from my life.

_Somebody show me how to_   
_Get back to the simple life_

Frustrated, I pound my fist against the floor. "Why?" I scream to the heavens above. "Why me? All I ever wanted was to be happy! To enjoy life and peace to the fullest without the complications!"

My sobs return unanswered.

_Out of the blue, temptation's all around me_   
_The train came along and I got on board_

Believing I had no choice but to take my place as the heir, I blindly allowed myself to be manipulated. I heeded only my family and advisors.

I should have listened to my heart.

_I danced with the darkness_   
_The skies were the limit_   
_It's such a long way to fall_

I jumped in head first, throwing myself into the daily running of the business, pushing myself to the limits with my new found *power*. There wasn't anything that I couldn't achieve. 

You tried to keep up with me, I see that now. You tried to warn me, but I was deaf to your pleas. The softly spoken words you used were completely ignored and then written off as jealousy.

I grind my palms into my eyes, the saltiness of my tears reaches my mouth and serves only to remind me of the bitterness of loss. The fall was long and hard....

You weren't there to catch me.

_Once there was heaven in my eyes_   
_Whatever happened to those skies?_

I stand upon the balcony and gaze into the night sky, searching for something, knowing in my heart what is right, but convincing my mind is another matter.

_Somebody show me how to_   
_Get back to the simple life_

I turn and wander back inside, past the large bed, not sparing it a glance as the pain of loss is still too great; onwards until I am standing in the large, plush bathroom. I face the mirror and take in the reflection.

The features that stare back at me are mocking, taunting, sneering at a being that... that is too weak to admit his failings, too weak to answer the question, too weak to face the truth.

It hurts.

"Trowa...."

_'Cause I've done my time in paradise_   
_I've tried it all maybe once or twice_

Gazing mutely into those teal pools I search for the answer I already have. My mind runs in circles as it figures out finally just what it is I want from my life, the curtain is lifted and the path becomes clear. 

With slow understanding I listen to my heart and accept what I know to be the truth. 

The business, no matter how candy coated it appears to be, regardless of the pressures placed upon the CEO, will continue to prosper and blossom, whether I am there to see it or not. It isn't worth throwing my chance at happiness away over.

_Somebody show me how to_   
_Get back to the simple life_

With my vision now clear I can see what it was you were trying so desperately to show me, what I didn't want to see, fearing the truth.

I was being used.

I realize that now. 

A plan forms in my head, one I know I can implement, one that will ensure that I not only continue to chair the company but will allow me the life I wish to have.

The pain in my heart shifts as another sensation pushes forth. I welcome it.

Peace. 

_Stars keep me going_   
_And the moon is there to light my way_   
_I need to go where my heart is free_

The controls feel familiar in my hands as I pilot the shuttle craft. While it will never be my beloved Sandrock, it is adequate enough for my current purpose. I set the auto pilot and watch the stars from the window, the soft pale glow of the moon is visible and bathes the way for my tiny craft to follow.

The speed exhilarates me and for the first time since I can remember I feel.... free.

_Looking for the way back_   
_Hoping for the way back_

Having docked the shuttle I proceed to the main gates of the shuttle port, determined more than ever to see this through.

As I make my way through the streets of L3, I cannot help but recall the earlier conversation. The hope that things could be salvaged, a second chance given, were heightened with the woman's information, but there was an undercurrent. I had been warned. Hurt him again and face the wrath.

Being dismembered by an irate female was not on my list of priorities.

_Somebody show me how to_   
_Get back to ... the simple life_

I pause at the huge archway and swallow hard. I refuse to back out now.

All I have ever wanted, my hopes, my dreams, my entire life is on the other side of that archway, and I will be dammed if I will let it slip away a second time.

I find you where I knew you would be.

"Trowa."

_'Cause I've done my time in paradise_   
_I've tried it all maybe once or twice_

Your soft emerald gaze rests briefly upon my form and I can't help but notice the look of pain that passes through them. It tears at my heart and I welcome the agony, knowing it is a small price to pay for the hurt I have inflicted upon your soul.

"Forgive me, Trowa."

You straighten, but do not speak.

"I was wrong. I can see that now. Please.... Can we try again?"

I see the flash of distrust followed by a glimpse of hope and allow myself the moment to dream that it will all be okay.

"Let's talk."

I give a small smile and follow you to the trailer. 

_Somehow the grass was always greener_   
_On the other side_

Several hours later my voice is hoarse, but my spirit is light. I have made my confession, admitted to my mistakes and begged your forgiveness. 

I have explained myself and my actions to the best of my knowledge, wincing at the hard truths of my behavior, the full understanding of the hurt my selfishness caused you coming home to me with startling clarity. 

It took the pain of loss and a bartender to make me open my eyes and take a good long look at myself. What I found disgusted me and I vowed to change.

I can understand your hesitance and I promise you anything and everything if you will only give me a second chance.

"I love you, Trowa. I can't live without you."

_Once there was heaven in my eyes_   
_Whatever happened to those skies?_

You stare at me, silent for the longest moment. I bare my soul to you in my eyes. Can you see how miserable I am? Can you see how torn I feel?

Without you I cannot exist.

When you walked away you took my very being with you and while it has taken me this long to see it for myself, I can only hope you will come back to me, let me love you the way you should be loved.

_Somebody show me how to_   
_Get back to the simple life_

I hold my breath as you reach out a hand and place it upon my cheek. I lean into the touch, tears fall like diamonds but shatter like glass as they connect with the floor.

Slowly your face nears mine, I cannot read your eyes as you keep them neutral. My heart pounds in my chest until I feel it will surely leave my body. Your lips gravitate to mine and I part in silent invitation. The RSVP is given with a tender brush before locking to mine and questing forth.

I welcome your tongue as a thirsty man would welcome water, the familiar, yet new sensations sending my stomach plummeting and my heart flying. You slowly pull back and now I can see the forgiveness I crave deep in those emerald jewels.

"Thank you." My voice is hushed. "Thank you for showing me the way."

You smile.

The peace is overwhelming.

~ oOo ~


End file.
